Doug is a Los Angeles
native who enjoys traffic, brushfires and smog.
Before learning to count to a
dozen, Doug wrote the script and lyric for the 2008 YouTube hit Obama on the
Run,in which Barack dueted with
Hillary Clinton on “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.” See it here.
Doug’s first writing jobs were on
sitcoms like Sledge Hammer! and You Can’t Take It With You.He’s also written sketch comedy (Lohman & Barkley), sci-fi (Sliders),crime dramas (F/X), action (Adventure, Inc.), fantasy (Young Hercules), westerns (Lucky Luke) and cartoons (Sabrina,
Totally Spies, Penguins of Madagascar, Beetlejuice, Sinbad, Shelldon and Captain Planet.)
On the latter show, he won two Environmental Media Awards
and was a finalist for the Humanitas Prize; if Doug hadn’t lost his head and
threatened that judge with a vial of acid, he would totally have nailed that
Doug's latest project is a supernatural romantic comedy. The story "Full Moon Fever" appears in the short story anthology Love and Other Distractions, edited by Christiana Miller. Another excerpt appears in the horror anthology Hell Comes to Hollywood II, edited by Eric Miller. Doug's series of Full Moon Fever novellas. The first two, Monster, He Wrote and Pure Silver, are now available on line and in paperback.
Doug is a former Jeopardy Champion, including two days in
the Tournament of Champions. He also lost $2 million on another game show, but please don't ask him about it, it just depresses him.
I know a real libertarian - he refuses to drive interstates, fly from airports with traffic control, mail letters, use Medicare or collect Social Security. Actually, that's a lie. I don't know any real libertarians.
How Tweet it is:
Time travel isn't what it will used to have been.
Everyone puts down schoolyard bullies. But, hey, you'd be mean too, if people were always encouraging little kids to sock you in the nose.
I am far less worried about artificial intelligence than I am about natural stupidity.
Mass murderer Charles Manson, 80, to wed woman, 26. That may not seem a big age gap now, but when he's 90, she will have been dead 10 yrs.
Artists' personal flaws can ruin them for us. I learned Leni Riefenstahl was an avid Nazi. Now I can no longer enjoy "Triumph of the Will."
My inner child is determined to get me tried as an adult.
Am I still being manhandled if a woman is doing it?
Oxford English Dictionary adds 50 new words. I'm still trying to get enough people to use "molitorrific."
I live in a studio apartment. There's no toilet, no fourth wall, and a fake view outside the window.
I checked it out, and you know what? There is no such site as snopes .com!
Whenever I see a news story so outlandish that it seems like satire, I have to smile. Because it means the world is my Onion.
#GeniusBarShaming: Apple Store tech, cleaning your smudged screen in front of you and eyeing the Post-Its like they're your child's bruises.
Scratch an opportunist, and he'll say, "Ah, yes, a little lower, to the left, just...yeah, that's it. Ahhh! Right there! Don't stop!"
I keep my land line, if only so cops will be able to call me and say, "We traced those calls, they're coming from inside your house, run!!!"
I thought I'd written the first hit song for Yom Kippur, but it turns out no one likes atonal music.
People who complain about jobs that vanish due to automation are missing the point: All those robots are going to need servants!
If my life is ever in danger, I hope I have Dick Cheney with me. Cause that way, even if we're killed, I won’t think it's a total tragedy.
Sometimes, writing comedy is just following idiots and taking good notes.
If a genie gave me 3 wishes, my first wish would be for the wisdom to know how to get everything I want in 3 wishes. And then I'd go "D'oh!"
How come when I order bubble-wrap, it doesn't come packed in glass?
I hope I am never adrift in a lifeboat so long that I end up drinking sea water. But if I do, I will at least make sure not to salt my food.
So, I guess it's a compliment when Steve Kroft says, "This champagne tastes like ass."
The Nine Most Frightening Words in the English Language, 21st century edition:
"We admire Reagan and want to 'fix' Social Security."
Question re party clowns: Aren't we at a point in our culture where a clown is a standard horror monster, like a mummy, werewolf or zombie?
What sucks about 'Peter Pan' not being live for the West Coast is, we already know Christopher Walken didn't flip out and kill anyone.
Can't we forget war, and get all our bangs from fireworks? Or if that's not practical, can we add color and sparkle to artillery barrages?
A friend asked me to complete the sentence, "I am thankful for..." Naturally, I answered, "...God's sake, so stop calling me an ingrate!"
Police union head calls officer who choked Eric Garner a "model police officer." I can only assume this he sniffed a lot of glue.
Mary Landrieu, last Democratic senator in the South, defeated. This comes as a shock to anyone who thought Mary Landrieu was a Democrat.
One thing I think we can all agree on, is that County Prosecutor Bob McCullough did an excellent job as Darren Wilson's defense attorney.
A good prosecutor could indict Ferguson prosecutor Bob McCulloch for inciting to riot.
Any prosecutor can get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. Coincidentally, that sandwich will be charged in the killing of Michael Brown.
Darren Wilson won't be back on the Ferguson PD. So there's an opening for George Zimmerman.
A cop killing an unarmed kid without even being charged is no excuse for violence. It's not like Ferguson won a league championship!
Don't ever eat turducken! It tastes HORRIBLE! To be honest, I've never had it with the ucken, but it couldn't possibly improve the flavor.
Every time I get down on myself, I just think about how in 20 years, I'll look at my pictures from today and get wistful at how good I look.
Why is that a superintendent's power is always invisibility? Why never super-speed?
Beware of making decisions based on mere fiscal attraction.
Harper Lee, 88, issues sequel to her 1960 novel To Kill a Mockingbird. Hope I can last another 55 yrs to read the final book in the trilogy.
I'm disgusted to see a blue-state governor afraid to oppose anti-vaxxer parents. I never thought I'd call Chris Christie gutless...
Chris Christie calls for "balance" on parent choice whether to vaccinate kids. What, he doesn't want to alienate pro-measles voters?
Studies show that not vaccinating their child makes a parent immune to logic.
I got a great life insurance quote by answering no to 3 questions: Do you drink, do you smoke, and do you spend any time near Suge Knight?
I just realized that every time I post on Twitter, I'm taking time away from that novel I should be finishi...oh, goddamn it.
Bill O'Reilly under fire for claiming he was in combat during the Falklands War. And no, being "under fire" now doesn't count either, Bill.
Bill O'Reilly, still catching flack for his phony combat stories, offers compromise: He will change his name to "Bill Oh, Really?"
Look, I can forgive Bill O'Reilly for lying about being in combat. But claiming that he's a journalist? That really crosses the line.
Can you recall "America's Mayor"? Cause I think recalling him is a good idea.
Today, a guy said to me, "This was the worst president's day." And I said, "You're mistaken - George W Bush's birthday is in July."
Sony rebooting 'Spider-Man' for 2nd time in 3 years. Know what'd be cool? To play Uncle Ben, they bring Tobey Maguire out of retirement.
Jon Stewart is leaving The Daily Show. I don't have a joke here. And by the end of the year, none of us will.
I saw 50 Shades of Grey...and the damn thing's in color! WTF??
Cops out in force to prevent BevHills/SaMo HS basketball riot tonight. If one thing builds character more than sports, it's police presence.
Bad enough Brian Williams said his copter was shot up in Iraq when it wasn't. But now it turns out he's not even on the NBC Nightly News!
Americans shouldn't panic over Ebola. You only need to worry if you have a 3rd-world health care system like Liberia, Guinea, or Texas
I'm addicted to buying fridge magnets. I finally had to put one in my wallet, so my credit card won't work.
I was relieved to hear the Secret Service also protects us against counterfeiters, since I have a lot of homemade $100 bills to spend.
I'm not 'cisgendered', whatever that means. I'm totally straight. But I do like showtunes and hate sports. So maybe I'm just a little cissy.
11 yrs after they ignited religious civil war in Iraq, I don't want to see Cheney, McCain & Graham anywhere but a carnival dunking booth.
Sarah Palin might have been one heartbeat from the presidency. But an EKG would have disqualified her.
In The Equalizer Denzel Washington gorily kills about 40 guys. The kind of movie Russian mobsters would love, except that's who he's killing
The world's oldest person is a 127-year-old woman in Mexico. Or as Rick Perry calls her, the senior infiltrator for ISIS.
Armistice Day ended WW1 at the 11th hr of the 11th day of the 11th month...of 1918, which kinda ruined it, but who wanted to wait till 2011?
Romney might run for President again? Seriously? Mitt is the one politician who literally could not be elected Dogcatcher.
White House intruder got to the East Rm; 7 shots fired in 2011 not found for 4 days; whatever service the Secret Service provides is secret.
Scotland will not leave the U.K. I still think the real stumbling block was the English demanding that the Scots let go of the pound.
Alibaba Group starts out as the largest IPO in Wall St. history: Good news for my movie pitch, "Alibaba and the 40 Hedge Fund Managers."
Sarah Palin complains about Obama committing troops stop a plague: "Oh, sure, he'll send troops to his father's country, Ebola."
I've had huge political disagreements with people I like, have worked for, whose writing I admire. I guess politics makes strange badfellows
Castro was hoping his son would succeed him as dictator, but the boy refused to play second Fidel.
I thought I was pretty badass, but it turns out I just have hemorrhoids.
I ran a retail business that advertised "wholesale prices." I had huge sales volume, but went out of business because I never made a profit.
I don't like this idea of "Off the beaten track." We already beat it. But offing it? I didn't sign up for that.
Patent Office ends Washington Redskins trademark! What about my fave teams: the Atlanta Slaves, the San Francisco Coolies & the Miami Hebe?
When my dog sniffs on our walk, I'm pretty sure she's picking up her pee-mail. And she always leaves a reply.
Tracy Morgan suing Walmart for negligence. But Walmart can outspend Tracy since it gets its attorneys from China where they're much cheaper.
Pope excommunicates entire Mafia! I just hope Dec 25th, he doesn't throw back the covers and find the head of the Christmas pageant donkey.
Trump Plaza casino is closing. I knew Donald was in trouble when he couldn't produce his building inspection certificate.
Trump Plaza casino closing. He's had 5 bankruptcies but for Donald Trump, morality means more than money. So first he went morally bankrupt.
U.S. captures Benghazi suspect in secret raid. An obvious Obama ploy to take the heat off Susan Rice.
I saw that list of 50 cities you should visit in your lifetime. I'd add Mosul, Iraq to that list. But at the very end.
World Cup host Brazil stunned by Germany defeating them 7-1. Don't blame the Germans, they were just following orders.
That's odd, Germany just scored three more goals. It took longer without the Brazilians on the pitch.
Clint Eastwood cameos as a DJ in "Jersey Boys." 59 years after "Revenge of the Creature", and he's still playing bit parts??
Russia sends Iraq jets. Modern tech prevents them firing on Maliki's own troops. Maliki said, "Then how do we stop them from running away?"
Paul Wolfowitz and Scooter Libby are teaching a course on The War in Iraq: A Study in Decision-Making. The course will be Fail/Major Fail.
I hate thunderstorms. All that lightning, yet God keeps missing the assholes.
Whooping cough is making a comeback while the whooping crane is endangered. Problem is, idiots are trying to outlaw the wrong kind of shots.
How would US Special Forces train Iraqi troops that are running away? Do we think they're confused about which direction the enemy is in?
McCain wants to bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran...but also, to send our kids to help their ally Iraq. That's literally confusing our enemies.
GOP called Obama economy 'a new Depression', IRSgate 'worse than Watergate', Iraq the 'next 9/11': Who held the White House during those?
OMG THE KINGS WIN THE STANLEY CUP! It's epic! Best night of my life! But you know...unless the Dodgers win the Series, I'm gonna kill myself
Any airstrikes against Iraq rebels will launch from carrier USS George Bush. Presumably with banner saying Mission Still Being Accomplished.
1st computer in history passes Turing Test, fools 30% of humans. It would've fooled the other 70% if it had lost that Austrian accent.
The upside to climate change is that you now have from March to November to do your summer reading.
Oklahoma Tea Party candidate calls for gays to be stoned to death. At last, a Christian who is without sin! Jesus would be so proud.
I think George W. Bush's canvases belong in a gallery. Oops, I left out a word. I meant a shooting gallery.
Geo.Will says rape victim is "a coveted status that confers privileges." What's scarier: That he's on TV or that he's driving to the studio?
Prankster who punched Brad Pitt, kissed Will Smith & lifted America Ferrera's dress is Ukrainian? Well, they do have issues with boundaries.
Doctors say only eat chocolate that's 70% cacao. My vet gives away Hershey Kisses. Why buy cacao when I can get the milk chocolate free?
I am grateful to be pulling down a six-figure income. But I'd be happier if the decimal point were a couple places to the right.
Alcohol kills 40,000 Americans a year. Tobacco kills 400,000. Marijuana hasn't killed anyone. It wants to, but it just can't get motivated.
California Chrome fails to win Triple Crown at Belmont Stakes. Reached for comment, the horse said, "But I still get the carrots, right?"
The last week of May every latenight comedy show is in reruns. Memorial Day now means remembering all the jokes that died for our us.
OK, right off, when you say "Happy Memorial Day", you're unclear on the concept.
It's Election Day! Thanks, poll workers! ...As usual, I voted in my underwear. But this time I was smart, and used an absentee ballot.
Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent litigation.
Tornado safety tip: It is never safe to run outside and spin in the opposite direction of the twister.
Amazon tests delivery by drones. If we want to REALLY piss off the Taliban, we should use them to deliver books to girls.
These days, America has the kind of culture you used to only find in a petri dish.
I think if I'm ever eaten by bears, the media should report that I died of natural causes.
People who live in glass houses should watch their diets and work out constantly.
I can be genuinely happy for others' success, and still wish them to be crushed by boulders. It's part of my growth as a split personality.
If you retweet only one tweet of mine, please don't make it this one, because frankly, I got nothin' here.
I'm not trending, but I have trendencies.
The strong take from the weak; the smart take from the strong. The rich hire the strong to beat up the smart & the smart to sue the strong.
My instinct has always been to shine the spotlight on others, and then make animal hand-shadows.
Every time I hear about two obscure people dying, I worry, 'Uh-oh, am I next?'
I made a huge mistake buying a scent strip at the carwash. I misread the label - it wasn't New Car, it was New York Subway Car.
Wouldn't it suck to just barely qualify for MENSA? Like, you'd be in a club full of geeks...but also, you're the dumbest one there.
They say if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. That's especially true of me, because I love sitting on my ass.
Who of us has not said something that could cost us our job? I did once but luckily I killed the guy who heard it, so... Aw damn, not again!
World's oldest man died last week at 116. But nobody ever mentions that at one time, I was the world's youngest person.
There's nothing more depressing than entering the Smallest Penis Contest and coming in fourth.
I was determined to feel upbeat, but I got it backwards and wound up feeling beat up.
I ride a stationery bike - just wrote three pages about my fictional cycling trip.
At a Japanese Tea Garden I asked if there were fish in the pond. A guide told me they were coy. I said, 'No wonder I don't see them.'
How come all this skin doesn't make me look skinny?
Can we please get this straight? Bela Lugosi was a morphine addict. It was Dracula who was the heroine addict.
See this bump? This is where I was hit on the head so hard that now I believe in phrenology.
Only 1% of gun homicides are mass shootings. So if a coworker opens fire at your office, try to think of it as you winning the murder lotto.
I have no trouble speaking in public. It's shutting up that seems to be impossible.
I keep jars of expired food in my fridge because if the apocalypse comes, I might want to eat something that will put me out of my misery.
Funny govt facts: The Senate has a chaplain, and the House has 203 stooges.
Always be mindful of your children's feelings. They'll be picking your rest home.
Bargain of the day: Offer me a penny for my thoughts, and I'll give you some two-bit advice.
I'm pretty sure I can turn lesbians straight, cause I've switched so many women the other way.
I used to think it was hard to live on a fixed income. That was before I tried to live on one that's broke.
Look annoyed for your drivers license photo, cause you won't be smiling when someone who thinks you’re a crook holds it up beside your face.
It would suck if your name was Tad Lowder, because people you just met would inevitably end up screaming at you: "I SAID, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
NRA says mental health is the problem, not guns. Alas, we have nowhere near enough asylums to hold all the people who should not own guns.
People who use the phrase 'conventional wisdom' have never been to a convention.
I'm not looking forward to Ghostbusters 3, unless they find a way to use an actual ghost.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for at most, another decade. If we're lucky.
NY Times: "White House to Issue Guidelines on Fighting Campus Sexual Assault."
Or as Fox News headlined the story, "Obama Plays Rape Card."
70th anniversary of D-Day. Obama honors 90-year-olds who landed on the beach. Republicans complain they didn't stick around in Afghanistan.
Sarah Palin blasts Obama as weak because he did nothing to stop Pope Francis from canonizing two fellow Popes.
News item: Easter lilies are toxic. Do not let pets or small children eat them. The holiday is about resurrection, but don't push your luck.
'Lunar eclipse'? You mean a dragon wasn't swallowing the moon? Goddamn it, I need to get my money back from that lying wizard!
Oh, no! I looked straight at the lunar eclipse without a filter - and now everything outside looks pitch black!
Four 19 min quarters= 1hr 16 min. Super Bowl takes four hours. It's like eating a burger that's 2/3rds Hamburger Helper.
Long-lost Shakespeare play Cardenio found. Word on Twitter is, it's not a hoax. But then, a ruse by any other name would sell as tweet.
Gunman runs through North Hollywood neighborhood, gets arrested by SWAT team. Why didn't he just walk into a Target store?
DNA shows Eva Braun had Jewish blood. She & Hitler committed suicide after their wedding, averting an argument over how to raise the kids.
102 years after Titanic went down, ships are still not unsinkable...but at least the captains all seem to survive.
Mad Men is back tonight: Don smoking & drinking, Roger smoking & drinking, Pete smoking & drinking, and Joan just smokin'.
Today is April Fools Day, when you can expect to be tricked so that everyone can laugh at your cluelessness. ...Or as I call it, "Tuesday."
Study says 14th century victims of The Black Death didn't have bubonic plague after all. Good, I can stop making my rats wear flea collars!
TMZ obit says Mickey Rooney starred as Andy Hardy in 20 Hardy Boys movies. Wasn't he funny carrying a piano up those steps with Stan Laurel?
Now that China's got a lunar lander, I'm worried about us being undersold by cheap Chinese moon rocks.
Oh, no! I looked straight at the lunar eclipse without a filter - and now everything outside looks pitch black!
Ben Carson comes in third in CPAC straw poll, proving that all conservatives aren't racist; for many, homophobia is more important.
This Sunday, we lose an hour as we set our clocks later. The way to remember this is, "Spring forward, fall asleep in church."
Georgia's universal carry law is the wave of the future: Every town will be a newtown.
If someone set off a backpack nuke in Georgia, what's left of the state would pass a universal nukes-carry law to prevent further mishaps.
America has 50 different sets of laws; we call this "the laboratory of the states." These days, Georgia is being run by mad scientists.
Religious group slams new NOAH film as "historically inaccurate." Ironically, the Sumerians said the same thing about the Book of Genesis.
I want a tough reporter to interview Rick Perry & at some point, put his fingers through Rick's glasses-frames, which I maintain are empty.
New sci-fi show Believe is about a little girl whose power is she has a scream that shatters glass. In other words, she's my daughter at 3.
There have been 115 quakes in SoCal since yesterday. But small ones. Miniquakes. Quakelets. Cupquakes.
If you were drunk and walking during the quake, was there about 30 seconds when you felt strangely steady on your feet?
Putin wants diplomatic solution to Crimea crisis. Isn't this like proposing marriage after the rape?
Script guru Robert McKee has criticized the new film 'Noah' because only one character has an arc.
Malaysia Airlines offers compensation to the families: $5000 per victim. I guess it beats getting stock in Malaysia Airlines.
#AnotherObamacareHorrorStory: I know a man of 50 who signed up, and within a few weeks, someone literally shoved a camera up his ass!
Funeral-picketer/Westboro Baptist pastor Fred Phelps reported near death. I'd like to pay my last disrespects.
Study finds no link between e-cigarettes and successfully quitting smoking. But I bet there's a link with getting e-cancer.
"Nyah, nyah! You missed us again! Whaddaya, blind, God? Ya couldn't hit the broad side of a bay! I dare Ya to try again!" #AsteroidNearMiss
Pope Francis named Time's Person of the Year.
Fox News headline: "Socialist Pope Gets Same 'Honor' Hitler and Stalin Got."
Audio tapes of the Newtown massacre 911 calls released. How can it be legal for people to possess such incredibly hurtful things?
Walking Dead: You have zombies who wander for yrs w/o eating. Free energy! Put 'em on a treadmill w/your most-useless guy just out of reach.
Detroit offers free homes to writers who move there. But who wants to live in a city full of writers? You'd never find an open plug at the Starbucks.
The Hobbit 2 is called "The Desolation of Smaug." To save money, they shot exteriors in Beijing.
Just once, I'd like to see a summer blockbuster that doesn't feature actual city blocks being busted up.
Michelle Obama urges Americans to drink more water. Outraged Fox News anchors protest: "We need that water for fracking!"
'Killing Lincoln', 'Killing Kennedy', 'Killing Jesus.' Bill O'Reilly should write something he knows about: 'Killing Dr. George Tiller.'
Voyager leaves the solar system, is immediately pulled over by Intragalactic Highway Patrol for flying under the influence of plutonium.
It's Halloween. God, how I hate when my thrift store is suddenly packed with costume-shoppers.
Unnoticed asteroid that missed Earth 'probably nothing to worry about' on 2032 return. Odds against a hit are astronomical, a dozen to one!
Merriam-Webster dictionary says due to widespread misuse 'literally' can now mean 'figuratively.' I could care less!
Or could I?
Her talk show was just canceled, and poor Kris Jenner couldn't look hubby Bruce in the face. At least, not his original one.
I cringe to think of anyone, especially a kid, going on the Internet for validation. It's like heading to the bus terminal to find a date.
One great thing about France legalizing gay marriage is that now, gay Frenchmen will be able to have husbands who know about their lovers.
If Muslims have a duty to disown the fundamentalists who are trying to drag their society back to the Middle Ages...why don't Republicans?
I disagree that George W. Bush was America's Worst President Ever. Dick Cheney was.
If the French Revolution taught us anything, it's that taxing the rich beats axing the rich.
Firearms are #1 means of suicide in America. NRA's solution: Every American should have a gun in each hand so the good hand can shoot the bad one.
I just heard the phrase 'sensible fracking.' I presume that means tap water that only bursts into flame if you light up a cigarette.
Our food is now sold for the same price in smaller packages. Bloomberg's mistake was limiting soda size. He should have devalued the ounce.
My neighbor is mad that I smeared hamburger on her Water-Pik. Hey, she's the one who asked me the best way to experience a meatier shower!
'Night Stalker' Richard Ramirez dies in prison. Authorities deny claims that he turned to dust after being staked by reporter Carl Kolchak.
Gov. Bobby Jindal (R,LA) says liberals think 'wild weather is a new thing.' I wish summer temperatures were as low as Jindal's I.Q.
Kelly Ayotte (R,NH) worries universal background checks will lead to a registry of gun owners. This convinces me she's on the registry of senators owned by the NRA.
Now that Jenny McCarthy is going to work on The View, there's an opening for a pro-polio activist.
Robert Zimmerman says brother George now must worry about being stalked by a dangerous vigilante. That's not just irony, that's karma.
New DNA evidence proves Albert DeSalvo was the Boston Strangler. DeSalvo family immediately asks to have him retried in Florida.
I don't dislike Mitt Romney because he's a Mormon. If you check the tape libraries, I'm sure you can find footage where he's a Buddhist.
The only reason to go to a Sarah Palin book signing is to ensure your copy has two words in it that she actually wrote.
You can't call Michele Bachmann a homophobe. Not after she married that gay guy.
A government big enough to give you the Bill of Rights, the transcontinental railroad, women's suffrage, an end to slavery and child labor, laws that ensure pure food and drugs and clean air and water, relief from the Depression and laws to prevent another, Hoover Dam and the TVA, the military that defeated Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, an educational system that was the envy of the world, the interstate highways, the Internet, men on the Moon, close-ups of Saturn, secure retirement and medical care when we're old, and the democratic means to change any of it, anytime enough of us vote for it...is a system to be grateful for, not take a dump on.
“We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings. Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings. Resistance and change often begin in art, and very often in our art—the art of words.”
- Ursula K. Le Guin
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
- Philip K. Dick
"A freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."
- Robert Benchley
"Aliens might be surprised to learn that in a cosmos with unlimited starlight, humans kill for energy buried in the sand."
- Neil deGrasse Tyson
“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance. It is the illusion of knowledge.”
– Stephen Hawking
“The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”
'Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.'
- Spike Milligan
'Satires which the censor can understand are justly forbidden.'
- Karl Kraus
“In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.”
- Carl Sagan
"What good is industry if it be so unskillfully managed as not to return a living to everyone concerned? No question is more important than that of wages — most of the people of the country live on wages. The scale of their living — the rate of their wages — determines the prosperity of the country."
- Henry Ford (from his autobiography)
" I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it. "
- Abraham Lincoln
"Where the hell is everybody when they first deliver the typing paper? Where are all the ‘helpers' when those boxes full of silence come in? Blank. Both sides. No clues, no instructions enclosed on how to take just 26 letters and endlessly rearrange them so that you can turn them into a mirror of a part of our lives. Try it sometime. Try doing what I do before I do it."
- Larry Gelbart
"Something named after a Democratic president: Obamacare.
Something named after a Republican president: Hooverville."
- Ian Abrams
"See that chess set? When I was four years old, I played ten people in a row. Blindfolded. I lost every game."
- Robert Benchley
“I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.”
― William F. Buckley Jr.
“All I know is that talent is a lightning rod and America is a thunderstorm. You go running around like crazy, you get soaked, your arm gets tired holding that damn thing up…and still, lightning, all too often, strikes half a block over, electrifying someone else.”
- Stephen King
"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why they are poor, they call me a Communist."
- Dom Hélder Pessoa Câmara (1909-1999), Archbishop of Olinda and Recife
"Labor is prior to and independent of capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration."
– Abraham Lincoln, State of the Union Address, December 3, 1861
“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”
― Stephen Colbert
“When you wage war on the public schools, you’re attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You’re not a conservative, you’re a vandal.”
– Garrison Keillor
"The 1% get most of the luxuries this planet has to offer - but democracy is a necessity, and they shouldn't be allowed to own that, too."
- Bill McKibben, 350.org
“The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover didn’t know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night, anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow’s hands.”
- Will Rogers
“Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.' ” - Isaac Asimov
"The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully."
- Richard Dawkins
"You can’t logic someone out of something they didn’t logic into."
- Raybon Kan
“I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.”
― W.S. Gilbert, The Mikado
"How else to describe the new [George W Bush] administration's legislative agenda — elimination of the inheritance tax, revision of the bankruptcy laws, the repeal of safety regulations in the workplace, easing of restriction on monopoly, etc. — except as an act of class warfare? Not the aggression that Karl Marx and maybe Ralph Nader had in mind, not the angry poor sacking the mansions of the rich, but the aggrieved rich burning down the huts of the presumptuous and troublemaking poor.”
- Lewis Lapham, 2001
"Gross National Product counts air pollution and cigarette advertising, and ambulances to clear our highways of carnage. It counts special locks for our doors and the jails for the people who break them. It counts the destruction of the redwood and the loss of our natural wonder in chaotic sprawl. It counts napalm and counts nuclear warheads and armored cars for the police to fight the riots in our cities. It counts Whitman's rifle and Speck's knife, and the television programs which glorify violence in order to sell toys to our children. Yet the gross national product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages, the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage, neither our wisdom nor our learning, neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country, it measures everything in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. And it can tell us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans."
- Robert F. Kennedy
"If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you."
- Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1960
“There’s class warfare, all right, but it’s my class, the rich class, that’s making war, and we’re winning.”
– Warren Buffett, Chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway
"Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires."
- John Steinbeck
"Here's how it works. The President makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration? You know, fiction!"
- Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents' Dinner, 2006
"I hope we shall... crush in its birth the aristocracy of our moneyed corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country."
– Thomas Jefferson (letter to George Logan) 1816
“A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.”
– Clarence Darrow
"Taxes are the price we pay for a civilized society."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"All the property that is necessary to a Man, for the Conservation of the Individual and the Propagation of the Species, is his natural Right, which none can justly deprive him of: But all Property superfluous to such purposes is the Property of the Publick, who, by their Laws, have created it, and who may therefore by other laws dispose of it, whenever the Welfare of the Publick shall demand such Disposition. He that does not like civil Society on these Terms, let him retire and live among Savages. He can have no right to the benefits of Society, who will not pay his Club towards the Support of it."
– Benjamin Franklin
"I am treasonable enough not to believe in the liberty of a man or a group to exploit, torment or slaughter other men or groups. I believe in the despotism of human life and happiness against the liberty of money and possessions."
- John Steinbeck, "Writers Take Sides"
"We are star stuff which has taken its destiny into its own hands."
- Carl Sagan
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."
"Personal property is the effect of society; and it is as impossible for an individual to acquire personal property without the aid of society, as it is for him to make land originally.
Separate an individual from society, and give him an island or a continent to possess, and he cannot acquire personal property. He cannot be rich. So inseparably are the means connected with the end, in all cases, that where the former do not exist the latter cannot be obtained. All accumulation, therefore, of personal property, beyond what a man’s own hands produce, is derived to him by living in society; and he owes on every principle of justice, of gratitude, and of civilization, a part of that accumulation back again to society from whence the whole came."
– Tom Paine, Agrarian Justice