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DougsDozen.com

also known as: Where the hell's the apostrophe?

by Doug Molitor

The page for Doug's Dozen comedy (webseries and published)

For Doug's comic novels, go to...
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CONTACT DOUG

"I know a real libertarian - he refuses to drive interstates, fly from airports with traffic control, mail letters, use Medicare or collect Social Security. Actually, that's a lie. I don't know any real libertarians."

NON-VIDEO (you know...old school..."written") Doug's Dozens on HuffPo

Aug 13, 2015: Doug's Dozen: 12 MOVIES TO SHOW THE OIL INDUSTRY IN A POSITIVE LIGHT

Aug 4, 2015: Doug's Dozen: 12 SLOGANS FOR STARBUCKS CEO IF HE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT

Jun 18, 2015: Doug's Dozen: 12 SHORTEST LINES AT PUTIN'S THEME PARK

Apr 17, 2015: Doug's Dozen: 12 EXCUSES OF THE DEAR DEPARTED ELEPHANT HUNTER

Apr 12, 2015: Doug's Dozen: 12 FOX NEWS HEADLINES FOR THAT OBAMA RAINBOW PHOTO

Jan 26, 2015: Doug's Dozen: 12 SIGNS THAT YOUR AGENT IS SCAMMING YOU

Nov 27, 2014: Doug's Dozen: 12 NEW TV SERIES INSPIRED BY THAT VOLCANO IN HAWAII

Oct 6, 2014: Doug's Dozen: 12 BETTER NAMES FOR THE FLATULENCE DEODORIZING PAD

Sep 18, 2014: Doug's Dozen: 12 NAMES FOR THE U.K. IF SCOTLAND LEAVES

Sep 15, 2014: Doug's Dozen: 12 JOB INTERVIEW QUESTIONS FOR THE NEXT NFL COMMISSIONER

Aug 21, 2014: Doug's Dozen: 12 GOP TALKING POINTS FOR OBAMA'S FOREIGN POLICY

May 6, 2014: 24 - LIVE ANOTHER CHENEY

Mar 12, 2014: Doug's Dozen: 12 WEIRDEST THINGS IN JOHNNY CARSON'S SEX TAPE

Oct 3, 2013: Doug's Dozen: 12 SIGNS FRANK SINATRA IS YOUR KID'S REAL FATHER

Sep 23, 2013: Doug's Dozen: 12 CAPTIONS FOR 'A NOSE GROWS ON HIS FOREHEAD' GUY

Aug 22, 2013: SUPERMAN VS. BATMAN MOVIE...IN ONE SCENE

Jul 27, 2013: Doug's Dozen: MY 12-DAY SEX THERAPY PROGRAM FOR MAYOR BOB FILNER

Jul 25, 2013: Doug's Dozen: KOCH BROS' 12 TOP SLOGANS AGAINST HEALTH INSURANCE

Mar 4, 2013: THE BEST EVER SEQUESTER LETTER !

Feb 24, 2013: Doug's Dozen: 12 CUTS TO LOOK FOR WHEN THE SEQUESTER KICKS IN

Feb 20, 2013: "HELL CRUISE" (formerly sung as "SEA CRUISE")

Jan 18, 2013: Doug's Dozen: 12 REASONS NOT TO HOOK UP W/ MANTI TE'O'S GIRLFRIEND

Jan 8, 2013: Doug's Dozen: 12 USES FOR THE TRILLION-DOLLAR PLATINUM COIN

VIDEO DOUG'S DOZENS on FunnyOrDie

DOUG'S DOZEN ON WILL FERRELL'S FUNNY OR DIE.COM

Doug's Dozen: 12 Debate Zingers for Mitt Romney

Doug's Dozen:12 More Things Mitt Can Say to be Annoying at the Olympics

Doug's Dozen: 12 Hitler Ideas Mitt Romney is Against

Doug's Dozen: Mitt Romney's 12 Excuses Why He was a Bully

Doug's Dozen: 12 More Holiday Cards From Rick Santorum

Doug's Dozen: 12 Subtle Differences Between Mitt and Newt

Doug's Dozen: 2012's Worst Rose Parade Floats

Doug's Dozen : 12 Reasons the G.O.P. Should Run Old Man Potter

Doug's Dozen : 12 Ways to Tell Occupy Wall St from the Tea Party

2012 NON-VIDEO DOUG'S DOZEN LISTS:

Nov 26, 2012: 12 THINGS CURIOSITY ROVER MAY HAVE FOUND ON MARS

Oct 31, 2012: 12 MORE MITT ROMNEY IDEAS FOR DISASTER RELIEF

Oct 22, 2012: 12 MORE HARD-HITTING REPUBLICAN BABY NAMES

Sep 21, 2012: 12 THINGS JESUS SAID TO MRS. CHRIST

Nov 26, 2012: 12 THINGS CURIOSITY ROVER MAY HAVE FOUND ON MARS

Oct 31, 2012: 12 MORE MITT ROMNEY IDEAS FOR DISASTER RELIEF

Sep 21, 2012: 12 THINGS JESUS SAID TO MRS. CHRIST

Apr 16, 2012: 12 NEW DETAILS IN THE PENGUIN-BITES-NEWT-GINGRICH STORY

Apr 10, 2012: 12 REPLIES TO GEORGE W. BUSH SAYING HE DOESN'T MISS BEING PRESIDENT

Apr 9, 2012: 12 LOGICAL FALLACIES DEFINED!

Mar 30, 2012: 12 THINGS I'LL DO WHEN I WIN THAT $640 MILLION IN THE LOTTO

Feb. 21, 2012: DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 MORE THINGS (EVANGELIST) FRANKLIN GRAHAM DOESN'T KNOW

Jan 13 2012: We've all seen the infamous picture...now here are...

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 CAPTIONS FOR MITT ROMNEY GETTING HIS OWN PERSONAL SECURITY CHECK AT THE AIRPORT

1. “Oh, don’t fret about scuffing my shoe. I like firing people.”

2. "Remember to untie Rover from the fuselage."

3. “While you're down there, my friend, give me a shoeshine. I bet someone ten thousand you would.”

4. "Don't expect a big tip. I'm unemployed, you know. Ha, ha."

5. "You live in Massachusetts, right? If anybody asks, I lived in your basement when I voted in the last election."

6. "By the way, this counts as a job I created."

7. “We’re in luck -- the inflight movie is Battlefield Earth!”

8. “You used to be a steel worker in Missouri? Hey, small world! I downsized you.”

9. “Some of my best friends are Hispanic people. Pemex, Taco Bell Corporation, Chipotle Incorporated...”

10. “Back pain, huh? Too bad you didn't tell me back when I gave a crap about health care.”

11. “Oh, you got sent to ‘Nam? I wish I could’ve made it, but I couldn’t get out of my missionary position.”

12. “Well, if you’d made a wiser choice of parents, maybe I’d be on my knees, scanning your shoes.”

Dec. 28:

News item:
Cheetah the Chimp, from 1930s Tarzan films, dies in Florida at age 80.

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS AT CHEETAH'S FUNERAL

1. Clyde the orangutan gets in drunken fight with costar Clint Eastwood.

2. Caesar from 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' turns eulogy into call for uprising against humans.

3. Gorilla pallbearers decide to throw the coffin around for awhile, see how tough it is.

4. Fan gets too close to Cheetah's grieving widow, she rips off his arm.

5. Newspaper obits accidentally run photo of George W. Bush.

6. Elderly Lassie marks chapel, then looks ashamed.

7. Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion winds up at wrong funeral luncheon, eats caterer.

8. 'Greystoke' star Christopher Lambert denied entrance to funeral by guard who does not recognize him.

9. Christopher Lambert denied entrance to graveside service by guard who recognizes him from 'Highlander II.'

10. Star of 'War Horse' kicks TMZ cameraman through a fence.

11. Vera the Elephant of 'Larger than Life' sits in wrong pew, crushes costar Bill Murray.

12. Forest Lawn's Wee Kirk o' the Heather closed after poop-flinging melee.

_____________________________________________________________

Dec. 18:

This year, I've had a hard time getting into the holiday mood. Between violent clashes at Wal-Mart and on Wall Street, unrest abroad, and the nastiest crop of American politicians in recent memory, I think we need to update the ol' Christmas catalog. So here's

DOUG’S DOZEN: 12 CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR A REALLY BAD YEAR

1. WHAT CHRISTMAS
2. DECK ‘EM AT MALLS
3. GOD DAMN YE, FAIRY GENTLEMEN (sung by The Bachmanns)
4. SILENCE, NEWT!
5. O COME, YE UNFAITHFUL
6. THE FIRST NO-WELFARE
7. I’LL BE HOMELESS FOR CHRISTMAS
8. HERE COPS COME ASSAULTING US
9. O, HOLY SHIT!
10. WE THREE DEPOSED DICTATORS OF ORIENT ARE
11. HAVE YOURSELF A MONETARY CRISIS

And Ann Coulter’s smash hit:
12. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTIANS, IS JEWS

(No video this time...but if you're in the mood, click on this beloved classic from last week,

...and remember, every time you click Funny, a writer gets his win ! )

MORE FUNNY OR DIE VIDEOS!

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 More Things That Could be Bad Luck for Newt Gingrich

Now on FunnyOrDie: The 12 Best Herman Cain Pickup Lines

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 GOP Reactions to Hearing Gaddafi's Dead

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Reasons Sarah Palin Won't Run for President

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Republican Superheroes!

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Ways to Tell Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Apart

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Rupert Murdoch Excuses for Hacking Those Phones

Now on FunnyOrDie: Orrin Hatch's 12 Ways the Poor Can Balance the Budget

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Fun 4th of July Facts From Michele Bachmann

Now on FunnyOrDie: A Boy Named Dominique (Video from Doug's Dozen)

12 Reasons Michele Bachmann Will Not Debate a 10th Grader

12 Better Ways to Spell That Libyan Dictator's Name

12 More Calls Gov. Scott Walker Should Not Have Taken

Top 12 Orders at the Human-Breast-Milk Ice Cream Shop

(more further down)

The latest non-video Doug's Dozens
on HuffPo Comedy and Left Take!

12 Unfortunate Incidents at Cheetah's Funeral

12 Christmas Carols for a Really Bad Year

DOUG'S DOZEN PHOTO: 12 Facts About OccupyHermanCain

12 Campaign Slogans for Chris Christie

12 Routes from Westwood to the Valley for Carmageddon

12 New TV Shows for the Tea Party Producers

12 Schwarzenegger Catchphrases About His Love-Child

12 Top Porn Titles in Bin Laden's Hideout

12 Newsmakers' Reactions to the Death of Osama bin Laden

12 Campaign Slogans for Donald Trump

12 Names for Glenn Beck's Cable Network

12 Presidents' Famous Last Words

12 Reasons O.J. Might Get Beat Up in Prison

12 More Concessions by Egypt's Hosni Mubarak

EVERY WEEK, WATCH

DOUG'S DOZEN ON WILL FERRELL'S FUNNY OR DIE.COM

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Things That Make John Boehner Cry

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Damaging WikiLeaks About World Leaders

Now on FunnyOrDie: Bjorn Lomborg's 12 Ways to Make Global Warming 'Cool It'

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Campaign Slogans for Ragin' Meg Whitman

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Reasons to Extend Tax Cuts for the Rich

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Signs Christine O'Donnell is a Witch

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus

Now on FunnyOrDie: Jan Brewer's 12 Excuses for Zoning Out During Her Debate

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Ways Glenn Beck Reminds Me of Martin Luther King

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Reasons We Can't Allow a Mosque Near Ground Zero

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Celebrities' Reactions to Overturning the Gay Marriage Ban

Now on FunnyOrDie: Fox News' 12 Best Exposes on Racism

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Excuses by Mel Gibson

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 More Brilliant P.R. Moves by Tony Hayward

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Southwest A/L Statements About Those Human Heads They Shipped

Now on FunnyOrDie: The 12 Songs Elton John Sang at Rush Limbaugh's Wedding

Now on FunnyOrDie: Sarah Palin's 12 Disputes With Her Neighbor Joe McGinniss

Now on FunnyOrDie: The Next 12 Campaign Ads by Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Plans by Big Oil to Deal with the Gulf Spill

Now on FUNNY OR DIE: 12 Reasons to Visit Arizona

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Surprising Facts About Tea Partiers

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Ways to Tell If There's Been an Earthquake

Now on FunnyOrDie: John Boehner's 12 Reasons to Repeal Health Care

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Surprises in the new Texas Schoolbooks

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Alibis for a Republican Caught Cruising

Now on FunnyOrDie: John McCain's 12 Steps to Health Care

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 New Southwest Airlines Rules

Now on FunnyOrDie: John Edwards' 12 Worst Valentine Gifts

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Things Sarah Palin Wrote on Her Hand
(as seen on CNN!)

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Dentist Say

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Even Worse Supreme Court Decisions

Now on FunnyOrDie: Limbaugh's 12 Reasons Not to Help Haiti

Now on FunnyOrDie: Cheney's 12 Tips on Underwear Bombers
(as performed by FRANGELA on THE RANDI RHODES SHOW)

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Senators' New Year's Resolutions
(as performed by FRANGELA on THE RANDI RHODES SHOW)

Now on FunnyOrDie: The 12 Debates of Health Care ("What Lieberman Cost Us")

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Better Titles for Glenn Beck's "The Christmas Sweater"

Now on FunnyOrDie: The 12 Biggest Tiger Woods Headlines

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 New Attractions at Chinese Disneyland

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Things Sarah Palin Is Giving Thanks For
(also performed by Frangela on The Randi Rhodes Show)

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Titles For Carrie Prejean's Sex Tapes

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Ways the World Could End In 2012

Tricky Treat on FunnyOrDie: 12 Halloween Costumes For Important People

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Things That Are Like Cheney Criticizing Obama on Afghanistan

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Titles For a Reality Show Starring the Balloon Family

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 Objections to Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

Now on FunnyOrDie: IOC's 12 Reasons They Picked Rio Over Chicago

Now on FunnyOrDie: 12 New Town Hall Issues

USER PICK on FunnyOrDie! 12 New Sponsors For The Glenn Beck Show

Now on FunnyOrDie: The 12 Worst Things You Can Say In a Pitch Meeting

MORE VIDEOS BELOW THIS ASSORTMENT
of rare and quaint non-video Doug's Dozens:

12 Reasons 2011 Will Be Better Than 2010

12 Reasons Hugh Hefner is Getting Married at 84

12 Signs That California Has Had Too Much Rain

Jessica Alba's 12 Favorite Movie Lines

12 Shakespeare Plays Rewritten by Sarah Palin

12 Things McChrystal Said to Obama the Day He Was Fired

12 Things We've Learned From the Large Hadron Supercollider

WATCH DOUG ON AD-SUPPORTED INTERNET: BLIP.TV !

The Next 12 Campaign Ads from Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner

12 Plans by Big Oil to Deal with the Gulf Spill

12 Reasons to Visit Arizona

12 Surprising Facts About Tea Partiers

And all 81 videos are available on YouTube:

Doug's Dozen #81: 12 Debate Zingers for Mitt Romney

Doug's Dozen #80: 12 More Things Mitt Can Say to be Annoying at the Olympics

Doug's Dozen #79: 12 Hitler Ideas That Mitt Romney is Against

Doug's Dozen #78: Mitt Romney's 12 Excuses For Why He was a Bully

Doug's Dozen #77: 12 More Holiday Cards From Rick Santorum

Doug's Dozen #76: 12 Subtle Differences Between Mitt and Newt

Doug's Dozen #75: 2012's Worst Rose Parade Floats

Doug's Dozen #74: 12 Reason the G.O.P. Should Run Old Man Potter

Doug's Dozen #73: 12 Ways to Tell Occupy Wall St from the Tea Party

Doug's Dozen #72: 12 More Things That Could be Bad News for Newt Gingrich

Doug's Dozen #71: The 12 Best Herman Cain Pickup Lines

Doug's Dozen #70: 12 GOP Reactions to Hearing Gaddafi's Dead

Doug's Dozen #69: 12 Reasons Sarah Palin Won't Run for President

Doug's Dozen #68: 12 Republican Superheroes!

Doug's Dozen #67: 12 Ways to Tell Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Apart

Doug's Dozen #66: 12 Rupert Murdoch Excuses for Hacking Those Phones

Doug's Dozen #65: Orrin Hatch's 12 Ways the Poor Can Balance the Budget

Doug's Dozen #64: 12 Fun 4th of July Facts From Michele Bachmann

A Boy Named Dominique (Video from Doug's Dozen)

Doug's Dozen #62: 12 Reasons Michele Bachmann Will Not Debate a 10th Grader

Doug's Dozen #61: 12 Ways to Spell That Libyan Dictator's Name

Doug's Dozen #60: 12 More Calls Gov. Scott Walker Should Not Have Taken

Doug's Dozen #60: 12 More Calls Gov. Scott Walker Should Not Have Taken

Doug's Dozen #59: Top 12 Orders at the Human-Breast-Milk Ice Cream Shop

Doug's Dozen #58: 12 Things That Make John Boehner Cry

Doug's Dozen #57: 12 Damaging WikiLeaks About World Leaders

Doug's Dozen #56: Bjorn Lomborg's 12 Ways to Make Global Warming 'Cool It'

Doug's Dozen #55: 12 Campaign Slogans for Ragin' Meg Whitman

Doug's Dozen #54: 12 Reasons to Extend Tax Cuts for the Rich

Doug's Dozen #53: 12 Signs Christine O'Donnell is a Witch

Doug's Dozen #52: 12 Sayings of Tea Party Jesus

Doug's Dozen #51: Jan Brewer's 12 Excuses for Zoning Out During Her Debate

Doug's Dozen #50: 12 Ways Glenn Beck Reminds Me of Martin Luther King

Doug's Dozen #49: 12 Reasons We Can't Allow a Mosque Near Ground Zero

Doug's Dozen #48: 12 Celebrities' Reactions to Overturning the Gay Marriage Ban

Doug's Dozen #47: Fox News' 12 Best Exposes of Racism

Doug's Dozen #46: 12 Excuses for Mel Gibson

Doug's Dozen #45: 12 More Brilliant PR Moves by Tony Hayward

Doug's Dozen #44: 12 Southwest A/L Statements About Those Human Heads They Shipped

Doug's Dozen #43: The 12 Songs Elton John Sang at Rush Limbaugh's Wedding

Doug's Dozen #42: Sarah Palin's 12 Disputes With Her Neighbor Joe McGinniss

Doug's Dozen #41: The Next 12 Campaign Ads by Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner

Doug's Dozen #40: 12 Plans by Big Oil to Deal with the Gulf Spill

Doug's Dozen #39: 12 Reasons to Visit Arizona

Doug's Dozen #38: 12 Surprising Facts About Tea Partiers

Doug's Dozen #37: 12 Ways to Tell If There's Been an Earthquake

Doug's Dozen #36: John Boehner's 12 Reasons to Repeal Health Care

Doug's Dozen #35: 12 Surprises in the New Texas Schoolbooks

Doug's Dozen #34: 12 Alibis for a Republican Caught Cruising

Doug's Dozen #33: John McCain's 12 Steps to Health Care

Doug's Dozen #32: 12 New Southwest Airlines Rules

Doug's Dozen #31: John Edwards' 12 Worst Valentine Gifts

Doug's Dozen #30: 12 Things Sarah Palin Wrote on Her Hand

Doug's Dozen #29: 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Dentist Say

Doug's Dozen #28: 12 Even Woerse Supreme Court Decisions

Doug's Dozen #27 - Limbaugh's 12 Reasons Not to Help Haiti

Doug's Dozen #26: Cheney's 12 Tips on Underwear Bombers

Doug's Dozen #25: 12 Senators' New Year's Eve Resolutions

Doug's Dozen #24: The 12 Debates of Health Care ("What Lieberman Cost Us")

Doug's Dozen #23: 12 Better Titles for Glenn Beck's "The Christmas Sweater."

Doug's Dozen #22: The 12 Biggest Tiger Woods Headlines

Doug's Dozen #21: 12 New Attractions at Chinese Disneyland

Doug's Dozen #20: 12 Things Sarah Palin Is Giving Thanks For

Doug's Dozen #19: 12 Titles for Carrie Prejean's Sex Tapes

Doug's Dozen #18: 12 Ways the World Could End In 2012

Doug's Dozen #17: 12 Halloween Costumes For Important People

Doug's Dozen #16: 12 Things That Are Like Cheney Criticizing Obama on Afghanistan

Doug's Dozen #15: 12 Titles For a Reality Show Starring the Balloon Family

Doug's Dozen #14: 12 Objections to Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

Doug's Dozen #13: IOC's 12 Reasons They Picked Rio Over Chicago

Doug's Dozen #12: 12 New Town Hall Issues

Doug's Dozen #11: 12 Answers To "What Would Joe Wilson Say?"

Doug's Dozen #10: 12 New Sponsors For The Glenn Beck Show

Doug's Dozen #9: The 12 Worst Things You Can Say In a Pitch Meeting

Doug's Dozen #8: The 12 Worst Holidays of August

Doug's Dozen #7: 12 Suggested Titles For Dick Cheney's Book

Doug's Dozen #6:12 Reasons Bill Clinton Should Not Have Brought Those Women Back From North Korea

Doug's Dozen #5: 12 Good Things About Global Warming

Doug's Dozen #4: The 12 Commandments of C Street House

Doug's Dozen #3: 12 Things That Might Have Hit Jupiter

Doug's Dozen #2: 12 Certificates I Would Like To See

Doug's Dozen #1: 12 Tips For People Who Don't Have Health Insurance

and from SnideTV, (script and lyric by Doug Molitor):
Obama On the Run
(a duet with Hillary from the 2008 primaries)

_________________________________________________________________________

and for the nostalgia buffs among you, here are...

ANTIQUE, NON-VIDEO "WRITTEN" COMEDY BITS:

My mouse-clickin' finger is out of commission, so no video for a week.

But here's the latest Doug's Dozen list anyway:

News item: Europe's Large Hadron Supercollider, the world's biggest atom smasher, was powered up late Monday night. It is expected to tell scientists much about the structure of reality, and duplicate conditions in the early Universe in the moments right after the Big Bang.

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER

1. TURNING ON A LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER WILL NOT DESTROY THE EARTH - I MEAN, WE WERE ABOUT 80 PERCENT SURE, BUT THIS SETTLES IT

2. WHEN YOU OPEN A DIMENSIONAL RIFT AND MAN-EATING MONSTERS POUR INTO THIS WORLD, IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE THE 11 O'CLOCK NEWS

3. OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT USABLE FOR TIME TRAVEL, SINCE HISTORY BOOKS STILL MENTION GEORGE W. BUSH

4. UNIVERSE BEGAN WITH A BIG BANG, FOLLOWED BY A 100-MILLION-YEAR CIGARETTE

5. "COSMIC RAYS" NOT REALLY COSMIC AT ALL, THEY'RE JUST PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES NAMED RAY

6. BLACK HOLES DO NOT SUCK AS STRONGLY AS "JERSEY SHORE"

7. DISCOVERED MIRROR UNIVERSE IDENTICAL TO OURS EXCEPT THERE, SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES ARE STILL HAPPILY MARR-- OH, WAIT, NEVER MIND

8. FOUND LONG-PREDICTED "GOD PARTICLE": IT SAYS IT'S GOING TO KICK THE POPE'S ASS

9. "ATOM SMASHER SCIENTIST" GETS YOU LAID 900% MORE OFTEN THAN "SCIENTIST AT LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER"

10. CREATED CLOSEST THING TO A PERFECT VACUUM, OUTSIDE OF SARAH PALIN'S SKULL

11. BAD NEWS - WHAT WE CONSIDER "REALITY" ACTUALLY A DREAM OF A STATEN ISLAND TELEMARKETER

12. WORSE NEWS - HE HAS A DENTAL APPOINTMENT, SO HE'S SET HIS ALARM EARLY

A STROLL DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH DOUG'S DOZEN

June 24, 2009

With Gov. Mark Sanford’s mysterious four-day disappearance in the news, it’s time to see how his excuse for going AWOL stacks up against other states’ chief executives. Thus, I present….

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 BEST REASONS THAT GOVERNORS HAVE GONE MISSING

1. MARK SANFORD (SOUTH CAROLINA) – FELT SO BAD ABOUT TAKING THAT STIMULUS MONEY, HE WENT TO DISTRIBUTE IT AMONG THE POOR…IN THE CAYMAN ISLANDS

2. SARAH PALIN (ALASKA) – SPENT 48 HOURS DRIVING TO LETTERMAN’S HOUSE IN A DIAPER, WITH STUN GUN AND DUCT TAPE

3. BOBBY JINDAL (LOUISIANA) – TOOK SECRET FACT-FINDING TRIP, LEARNED VOLCANOES ARE INDEED MOTHERF***ING HOT

3. LAURA LINGLE (HAWAII) - WAS DANGLING JINDAL REAL CLOSE TO THAT LAVA UNTIL HE AGREED WE NEED VOLCANO MONITORING

4. CHARLIE CRIST (FLORIDA) – HAD URGENT SURGERY, NOW WISHES TO BE CALLED “CHARLENE”

5. MARK SANFORD, #2 – OKAY, HOW ABOUT HE WENT UNDERCOVER TO BUST AN UNSCRUPULOUS NUDIST COLONY?

6. TIM PAWLENTY (MINNESOTA) – HEARD RUMOR JESSE VENTURA WANTS HIS JOB BACK, WENT INTO WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

7. BILL RICHARDSON (NEW MEXICO) – HEARD RUMOR HILLARY’S STILL MAD ABOUT HIS BACKING OBAMA, WAS CRASHING ON PAWLENTY’S COUCH

8. JOHN HOEVEN (NORTH DAKOTA) – FOR THE LAST TIME, HE WAS RIGHT IN HIS OFFICE THE WHOLE TIME, AND IS GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE WHERE NORTH DAKOTA IS

9. MARK SANFORD #3 – HE NEEDED TIME TO WRITE, AND HOME WAS TOO...AAH, SCREW IT, HE WAS COOKING METH IN THE DESERT WITH HIS MISTRESS

10. ROD BLAGOJEVICH (ILLINOIS) – TAPING REALITY SERIES “I’M A GOVERNOR, GET ME OUT ON BAIL!”

11. DAVID PATERSON (NEW YORK) – TOOK WRONG TURN FOR BILL SIGNING, SPENT DAY IN CAPITOL GIFT SHOP AUTOGRAPHING COOKBOOKS

and the best reason for a Governor going missing:

12. ARNOLD SCHWARZENGGER (CALIFORNIA): SENT HIMSELF BACK IN TIME 6 YEARS TO KILL ANYONE WHO SUGGESTED HE RUN FOR GOVERNOR

_____________________________________________________________________________

June 16, 2009

Can’t say he isn’t fast: President Obama, about to be interviewed, kills a fly with one deft smack. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ2H1K_0FXw

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 REPUBLICAN RESPONSES TO OBAMA KILLING THAT FLY

1. “ALL RIGHT, SO HE WOULD HURT A FLY, BUT HE’S STILL TOO SOFT ON NORTH KOREA.”

2. “NOW, SEE, THAT’S WHY WE WON’T SHAKE HIS HAND.”

3. “WHAT DOES THIS PRESIDENT HAVE AGAINST THE AMERICAN PESTICIDE INDUSTRY?”

4. “HE CALLS THAT HUNTING?”

5. “THAT HYPOCRITE KILLED AN ENDANGERED RED-NOSED HOUSEFLY – SO WE GET TO DRILL IN THE ARCTIC.”

6. “RONALD REAGAN NEVER DEFILED THE WHITE HOUSE WITH INSECT CORPSES!”

7. “YOU’RE PRETTY BRAVE AGAINST A LITTLE BUG…NOW LET’S SEE IF YOU’VE GOT THE BALLS TO NUKE IRAN.”

8. “AMERICANS WANT KILLING PESTS TO BE BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR EXTERMINATOR – THEY DON’T WANT THE GOVERNMENT GETTING INVOLVED.”

9. “SWATTIN’ FLIES, NOW THERE’S A JOB THAT BOY’S GOOD AT.” (SOUTHERN REPUBLICANS ONLY)

10. “CRAP! THERE GOES ROVE’S $30 BILLION SPYBOT.”

11. “OH, SURE, FINE FOR OBAMA TO SLAUGHTER FLIES, BUT SARAH PALIN MACHINE-GUNS ONE LOUSY POLAR BEAR AND WE NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.”

and the main Republican response to Obama killing that fly…

12. “MY GOD -- IT HAD THE HEAD OF JOHN MC CAIN, AND IT WAS SCREAMING ‘HELLLLP MEEE!’ “

_____________________________________________________________________________

April , 2009

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 REACTIONS BY AHMADINEJAD TO IRANIAN ELECTION PROTESTS

1. “THANK YOU FOR CELEBRATING MY VICTORY, BUT BE CAREFUL, MY EFFIGIES SEEM TO BE HIGHLY FLAMMABLE.”

2. “OKAY, NOT A LANDSLIDE. WOULD YOU BELIEVE A SANDSLIDE?”

3. “I URGE EVERYONE NOT TO LOSE YOUR HEAD. LITERALLY.”

4. “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE INTEGRITY OF OUR MINISTER OF ELECTIONS, HASSAN DIEBOLDIJAD?”

5. “CALM DOWN, YOU CRAZY LAKERS FANS!”

6. “HEY, IT’S NOT LIKE I SAID A-ROD WAS BANGING YOUR DAUGHTERS.”

7. “MY OPPONENT WASN’T REALLY BORN IN IRAN…AND HE’S A SECRET CHRISTIAN!”

8. “I AM TOTALLY POPULAR, JUST CHECK OUT MY FACEBOOK PAGE…IF I EVER ALLOW THE INTERNET AGAIN.”

9. “I’LL ADMIT I MAY NOT HAVE WON THE JEWISH VOTE.”

10. “EVERY VOTER DIPPED HIS THUMB IN INK…IF YOU WANT A RECOUNT, JUST SEND IN YOUR THUMB.”

11. “THE SHAH WAS RIGHT, YOU PEOPLE ARE A BUNCH OF INGRATES!”

and main reaction by Ahmadinejad to the Iranian election protests:

12. “AS THE GREAT AMERICAN JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA SAID, ‘GEDDOVERIT!’ ”